a page from my life-book.

For those of you who don't know about my life-book, allow me to introduce you.

Dun da da daaaa!!!

My Life-Book.

There you go. This book is so named because it contains my 'life'. All of it. Want to know about Jecca? Steal my life-book and take a little gander therein. I wouldn't suggest this, however.

As with everyone, there are parts of my life that have been kept secret. There are thoughts that run through my head that I wouldn't dare tell another soul, but I would confide in my ever-present life-book.

Lately I have neglected my life-book. I can't bring myself to open it because introspection usually accompanies that act. I've been going through all kinds of changes. My graduation meant leaving about 95% of my closest friends behind in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. It's unbearable. I've been home for fifteen days, and there have been probably only 3 days in there that I have not been brought to tears over my leaving and missing my friends. Those friends have become parts of me. Anyways... I finally cracked my life-book last night for the first time since I've been back at home, and I thought I'd share. It's honest. It's raw...here we go.

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December 26, 2009

I'm way beyond overwhelmed. I've neglected the Bible & my time with God so much lately. It's practically non-existant. I slept basically all day today because I don't feel well & all I could bring myself to do was cry. There is so much junk in my head, my heart, my room and my life that I can't even find a place to begin. I just want to go back to the basics & start from the beginning. Wherever & whatever the hell that may be.

What if I were as torn up about missing time with God as I am about missing time with the Tails? He sacrificed His Son so that I could be with Him forever in heaven, & I push Him to the side on a daily basis in an effort to satisfy my immediate desires.

I know that I am not the woman I wanted to be at this time in my life. I saw myself as being & doing so much more. I saw myself as being happy. I saw myself with a life that I was proud to live. I am, once again, overwhelmed to the point of incapacity. I can recognize so many areas in my life that need work & attention, but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. My body's default reaction in facing something overwhelming is to shut down...& I think it's doing just that. I'm perpetually exhausted. I'm eating & not working out, & therefore gaining weight. I'm drinking about 50oz. of coffee on average per day...which can't be good for my body trying to reach some sort of homeostasis. The list could go on for days.

So, here I am. I've defined several problems, & now comes the part where I find & propose solutions...This is also the part where the overwhelming feeling comes over me, I call it quits & go to sleep. It happens like this every time. EVERY TIME...

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So, that's it. There was a little more to this entry but not necessarily a resolution.

I'm worried now that I have crossed the blogger line. Who said they wanted to read my innermost thoughts and feelings on this thing? If you've read the blog thus far, feel free to forget and ignore whatever information that you have gleaned from it. I'm sorry...but also thank you.