it's wednesday.

i'm alive and busy, and i'm sorry i haven't blogged in a while. i'm working on a 'week of wardrobe' post and a few other things to be blogged soon (hopefully).

i've been going through a bit of a rough/blah patch here. i've been encouraged though and i'm looking forward to starting a new chapter/challenge/life. ugh. one step after the other. one prayer at a time.

(thanks to all who pray for me on the regular. i know some of you do and your commitment is a blessing. thanks also to those precious friends who are always 'on-call'. i'm tempted to call you my 'life-savers', but i know it's God through you. your faithfulness is truly encouraging.)

so here i go. step one.

lerv above all.

jec.

kiki's delivery service.

In 1989, my life was made into an anime movie by Hayao Miyazaki entitled "Kiki's Delivery Service".

Seeing as I was born in 1986, it was mostly prophetic.

The main character, Kiki, is a witch who has just turned 13 and sets out for a new town as part of the coming-of-age process. She must survive for a year on her own and prove that she's ready to handle life, with only the help of her faithful kitty, Jiji.

To make a long story relatively short, Kiki finds a precious woman who takes her in named Osono. With her help, Kiki starts up a delivery service--flying all around town on her broom with Jiji by her side. She meets a sweet boy named Tombo and things seem to be going well, but something happens and she is suddenly unable to fly. This basically means her life is over, because (duh!) what kind of witch would she be without her magic?! She's overwhelmed and really doesn't know what she's going to do. There's an instant when it looks like she's actually going to give up.

In a conversation between Kiki and her new friend Ursula, Kiki admits, "Without even thinking about it, I used to be able to fly. Now I'm trying to look inside myself to find out how I did it...but I just can't figure it out." Ursula responds, "We each need to find our own inspiration, Kiki. Sometimes it's not easy."

Oh, the wisdom you can glean from a cartoon!

I don't want to spoil the whole movie, but...(I'm about to spoil the movie)...Kiki finds her inspiration and gets her magic back! Of course, she does. She's Wonder Woman.

One of my closest friends, sweet T, practically forced me to watch this movie. :] I'm not a huge fan of cartoons, and when he asked me to watch it I tried to say no...but he told me that I was a lot like Kiki and that it might provide some inspiration for me. Poor T. It seemed like every time we talked on the phone for the first three or four weeks that I had been home I ended up crying. Now, we're not talking a little tear here or there. No no no... you'll have to ask T, but I think that what I did could be more accurately described as weeping. I was overwhelmed! (I had lost my magic.)

Something happened though...I don't know exactly what...but I got my magic back. I stopped crying. I realized there were things left to live for even though I was separated from my best friends and everything I had known for the past four years. My friends and family supported me through those four hellish weeks, and I know they will continue to be there for me whenever I need them. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm getting back into the things I love. I have planned so many craft projects that I don't even know where to start. I am working with the youth group at First Church again. I am working full-time for BayPort (...don't necessarily 'love' this one, but I'm thankful to have a great job). Regs and I are training for a 5k in March. I'm making arrangements for a trip in February to see my friends and family in PA. I'm overwhelmed...but this time in a good way.

Thank you, T, for your love and persistence. You kept pulling me out of that hole that I continued to fall into. You have seen me as very few others have. I. love. you. I can't wait to be in your presence and to hug you. You are my sweet T.

a page from my life-book.

For those of you who don't know about my life-book, allow me to introduce you.

Dun da da daaaa!!!

My Life-Book.

There you go. This book is so named because it contains my 'life'. All of it. Want to know about Jecca? Steal my life-book and take a little gander therein. I wouldn't suggest this, however.

As with everyone, there are parts of my life that have been kept secret. There are thoughts that run through my head that I wouldn't dare tell another soul, but I would confide in my ever-present life-book.

Lately I have neglected my life-book. I can't bring myself to open it because introspection usually accompanies that act. I've been going through all kinds of changes. My graduation meant leaving about 95% of my closest friends behind in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. It's unbearable. I've been home for fifteen days, and there have been probably only 3 days in there that I have not been brought to tears over my leaving and missing my friends. Those friends have become parts of me. Anyways... I finally cracked my life-book last night for the first time since I've been back at home, and I thought I'd share. It's honest. It's raw...here we go.

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December 26, 2009

I'm way beyond overwhelmed. I've neglected the Bible & my time with God so much lately. It's practically non-existant. I slept basically all day today because I don't feel well & all I could bring myself to do was cry. There is so much junk in my head, my heart, my room and my life that I can't even find a place to begin. I just want to go back to the basics & start from the beginning. Wherever & whatever the hell that may be.

What if I were as torn up about missing time with God as I am about missing time with the Tails? He sacrificed His Son so that I could be with Him forever in heaven, & I push Him to the side on a daily basis in an effort to satisfy my immediate desires.

I know that I am not the woman I wanted to be at this time in my life. I saw myself as being & doing so much more. I saw myself as being happy. I saw myself with a life that I was proud to live. I am, once again, overwhelmed to the point of incapacity. I can recognize so many areas in my life that need work & attention, but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. My body's default reaction in facing something overwhelming is to shut down...& I think it's doing just that. I'm perpetually exhausted. I'm eating & not working out, & therefore gaining weight. I'm drinking about 50oz. of coffee on average per day...which can't be good for my body trying to reach some sort of homeostasis. The list could go on for days.

So, here I am. I've defined several problems, & now comes the part where I find & propose solutions...This is also the part where the overwhelming feeling comes over me, I call it quits & go to sleep. It happens like this every time. EVERY TIME...

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So, that's it. There was a little more to this entry but not necessarily a resolution.

I'm worried now that I have crossed the blogger line. Who said they wanted to read my innermost thoughts and feelings on this thing? If you've read the blog thus far, feel free to forget and ignore whatever information that you have gleaned from it. I'm sorry...but also thank you.