My final responsibilities as an undergraduate student are completed tomorrow.
Amanda arrives in Philadelphia in 4 days.
My 23rd birthday and the rest of the family arrives in 5 days.
Graduation and my departure from PBU (and all that entails) is in 6 days.
...and I'm not ready to leave.
The past four and a half years have brought both torture and triumph, great losses and great gains. I have grown and I have regressed. I have taken advantage of blessings from God, and I have wished to go back in time and change things. It's impossible and probably not wise. I can't dwell on the things I could've/should've/would've done or been. I must resolve to do things differently in the future, ask for God's help and carry on.
I've been having all kinds of crazy feelings lately. I've never liked change and big changes are coming fast. My mind, body and heart can't deal with it all. I'm scared of losing friendships I have made fairly recently but that have come to be a major part of my life. Long-distance friendships are not the same. I'm unable to call a friend and tell them I'm on my way from Penndy and will be by to pick them up in less than a minute to go to the cafeteria or to class together. I can't see them everyday and know that they're doing ok or recognize that things are off and something is wrong. The distance renders you helpless when all you need is to give a hug to or receive a hug from someone you love.
I'm scared out of my mind for a myriad of reasons. I'm scared of what I will become if left to my own devices, and I'm scared of what I might have to do if I fully rely on God to lead and guide me. I am strong...I really am. But sometimes it's easier to be scared. I've wished several times in the last few weeks that somehow all of my friends would hate me and it would make it so much easier to leave this place. Not so. I feel more and more loved as the days grow shorter and shorter, and my affection for the amazing people God has brought to me multiplies exponentially. I'm overcome. How do I make every last minute count here? How do I keep from ruining time with a less-than-great attitude or a thought of the impending doom that is quickly approaching? How can I be the woman I wanted to be, being big and loving appropriately? Where do I find the strength and courage to live up to my potential, both now and in the future?
Aw... I hear ya. Moves are always tough. As Girlyman says, "Everyone always loves you when you're on your way out the door." And we all know it's true.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, my advice about how you do it? You just do it. One day at a time. Stick to denial until you're in the car on the way out of town. By then, I'll be in the passenger seat and I'll give you the next instructions in person.
Hey, I would love you whether you're leaving or not. But surely, you will get through it. I felt the same way with high school. However, I didn't really have friends or care about the people I wouldn't see much anymore, so, I guess it's different. I guess you just have to move to PA!!! =D
ReplyDeleteJecca,
ReplyDeleteI am truly madly deeply in love with you. And it will stay that way NO MATTER WHAT. You are one of the most loving and wonderful people I have ever met in my entire life. I've only known you for a few short months but I feel like you know me better than a lot of people I've called my "best friends" for a really long time now. It breaks my heart that you have to leave so shortly after we've met. The time has definitely not been long enough but I'm SO glad that I met you. You really have made a huge difference in my life and I am VERY thankful for you. Keep your head up. We will ALWAYS love you and be thinking about you and texting you. Yeah, it will be different than it is now, but our love won't be. You're incredible. Don't ever forget it :).
P.S. I agree with Trevor. You should just move to PA. It's where all the cool kids are :).
P.S.S. This is Steph. In case you didn't know. Haha.
Jessica,
ReplyDeleteI am SO glad we became friends this year :) I know we did not get to hang out a lot or even talk a lot but you are one of the nicest people I have ever met in my entire life and I hope you are doing AMAZING! You are so sweet and inspirational! (Wow did I really just sound that cheesy?) I will never laugh again as hard as I did that one night with you! :) You are an amazing person and I am praying for you everyday! I know it has to be hard leaving knowing you are not coming back! I have lived in 11 different houses and gone to several different schools so I know how hard it has to be! But I am here for ya and I love you! :) Thank you for including me in this and for being a great friend! :)
Love you girl!
Kelly <3