a page from my life-book.

For those of you who don't know about my life-book, allow me to introduce you.

Dun da da daaaa!!!

My Life-Book.

There you go. This book is so named because it contains my 'life'. All of it. Want to know about Jecca? Steal my life-book and take a little gander therein. I wouldn't suggest this, however.

As with everyone, there are parts of my life that have been kept secret. There are thoughts that run through my head that I wouldn't dare tell another soul, but I would confide in my ever-present life-book.

Lately I have neglected my life-book. I can't bring myself to open it because introspection usually accompanies that act. I've been going through all kinds of changes. My graduation meant leaving about 95% of my closest friends behind in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. It's unbearable. I've been home for fifteen days, and there have been probably only 3 days in there that I have not been brought to tears over my leaving and missing my friends. Those friends have become parts of me. Anyways... I finally cracked my life-book last night for the first time since I've been back at home, and I thought I'd share. It's honest. It's raw...here we go.

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December 26, 2009

I'm way beyond overwhelmed. I've neglected the Bible & my time with God so much lately. It's practically non-existant. I slept basically all day today because I don't feel well & all I could bring myself to do was cry. There is so much junk in my head, my heart, my room and my life that I can't even find a place to begin. I just want to go back to the basics & start from the beginning. Wherever & whatever the hell that may be.

What if I were as torn up about missing time with God as I am about missing time with the Tails? He sacrificed His Son so that I could be with Him forever in heaven, & I push Him to the side on a daily basis in an effort to satisfy my immediate desires.

I know that I am not the woman I wanted to be at this time in my life. I saw myself as being & doing so much more. I saw myself as being happy. I saw myself with a life that I was proud to live. I am, once again, overwhelmed to the point of incapacity. I can recognize so many areas in my life that need work & attention, but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. My body's default reaction in facing something overwhelming is to shut down...& I think it's doing just that. I'm perpetually exhausted. I'm eating & not working out, & therefore gaining weight. I'm drinking about 50oz. of coffee on average per day...which can't be good for my body trying to reach some sort of homeostasis. The list could go on for days.

So, here I am. I've defined several problems, & now comes the part where I find & propose solutions...This is also the part where the overwhelming feeling comes over me, I call it quits & go to sleep. It happens like this every time. EVERY TIME...

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So, that's it. There was a little more to this entry but not necessarily a resolution.

I'm worried now that I have crossed the blogger line. Who said they wanted to read my innermost thoughts and feelings on this thing? If you've read the blog thus far, feel free to forget and ignore whatever information that you have gleaned from it. I'm sorry...but also thank you.

kin connection.

I've tried for over 20 minutes to start this blog. I don't even know what to say.

Some things in life are priceless, and this is one of them.





Merry Christmas to you, my friends, family and fellow bloggers.

I hope your holidays are filled with love, because in the end that's the only thing that remains.

My Anniversary.

I've told people before that I really didn't start living until December 20, 2007. In a way, that's the ultimate truth.

I have been overweight my whole life. My size, body shape and self-image have more often than not held me back from enjoying life and all that it has to offer. I have never even been close to "normal".

Question: What kind of elementary kid wears womens' size clothing? or What kind of middle school kid wears plus size womens' clothing?
Answer: A sick kid.
A More Specific Answer: Me.

I have no idea how things got to the point they did. I was always active and on sports' teams. I did everything the same as my friends did, but I was morbidly obese and they were average weight. The problem? I was never full. Ever. (Crazy, I know.) I could eat until I made myself physically ill, but I never had the sensation of being full. So, I just ate myself into this death trap.

These two pictures are from freshman year at PBU, and they show me at my highest weight (293 lbs).

On December 20, 2007, I had Lap-Band Surgery. During this surgery, Dr. Terracina placed an adjustable band around my stomach through five small incisions in my abdomen. This band is fully adjustable and is accessed through a port attached to one of my abdominal muscles.

Two years and 98 lbs later...



I'm a new woman.

Lots and lots and lots of things have happened between then and now. I am thankful for every one of them because they got me to where I am today. God has a purpose and a plan for my life. He has a reason for putting me through the things I've been through and the things I have yet to go through.

My Purpose Now: Be there for others who are about to be where I was once at. (Does that make any sense?) I want to be able to help others by opening my life to them so they can learn and grow from where I have been and where I am at now. I'm ALWAYS open to questions. My life is pretty much an open book (...now my actual "life-book" is another story...that will stay closed for the time being...).

My Charge to My Few Loving Readers: Be BIG. Be bold. Love above all. <3

weekend review.

I'm back home in VA.

I've done nothing but eat, sleep and sit around since I've been here...but I haven't been back for 24 hours yet, so I'm ok with those decisions.

Here's some pictures from my birthday/graduation celebrations. There were a lot taken, and I'll probably make an album on Facebook. I just don't have the energy at the moment.

Ian, Jecca and Tristan Stanley. I. Love. These. Boys.

Some of my favorite things: Amanda. Dunkin coffee. Cell phone. Necklace from Memaw.


The Fam: Keven, Jecca, Teresa, Mamba and Hosh.

Kisses for Barley. I couldn't have survived this past weekend (or the past few weeks for that matter) without him. [Thank you, Barley.]

Me with Ma and Pop.

At the pub with Pop for birthday dinner.

Most of the Crew: Trevor, Stephers, Sarah, T, Lydia, Me, Barley, Ham, Ninj, Grace, Cam & George.

Vadakin Love. I didn't want to get out of this embrace. There was so much love.

Heri Basement Le-Le Couch Lovin'. This was shortly after we picked up Mamba from PHL, went to Burger King & Wawa and were waiting for the rest to arrive for the party.

EARLY MORNING BIRTHDAY BASH @ the PUB!!! Steph, Trevor, Barley and Me. (My cheeks are really rosy.)

Barley promised to smile for this picture. He didn't, but I love it anyway.

Alright, there you have it. This collection is not all-encompassing by any means, and I'll post more (somewhere) later.

I start back to work tomorrow morning at 9:30am. I'm nervous, of course, but it's not as bad as the last time. I'm ready to dive back into things and distract myself from missing everyone. There are big plans in the works for my near, and not-so-near, future. On the agenda right now: Family Time. Hosh is going out to get the Texas Chainsaw Massacre prequel and we're going to watch it soon.

[Biggest Accomplishment of the Day: Tearing up but not technically crying.]

that's all she wrote.

This is it. I'm graduating in three hours. I'm sitting in my apartment at Penndel for the last time, hogging the kitchen table (because I can) while the roommates scurry around to finish up cleaning and packing.

I'm exhausted because I haven't slept a good night's sleep in weeks. I haven't gone to bed, because I didn't want to miss one moment of time that I could've spent with the people I love. The family came up yesterday and we're driving back to VA right after graduation. Ugh. I remember bawling on my way to school as a freshman. I sobbed all the way from home to Washington, D.C. Dad asked Mom at one point if he should turn around and go home. She said, "Just go, Keven", as she choked back tears herself. I was scared of coming here, and now I'm scared to death to go back.

The fat lady's singing. I can hear her. It isn't me this time though :) I should go.

Tails Forever, ay? Be BIG. Be Bold. Lerv above all.

Lerv above all.

I love my family dearly...

...but I am not ready to go home.


My final responsibilities as an undergraduate student are completed tomorrow.
Amanda arrives in Philadelphia in 4 days.
My 23rd birthday and the rest of the family arrives in 5 days.
Graduation and my departure from PBU (and all that entails) is in 6 days.

...and I'm not ready to leave.

The past four and a half years have brought both torture and triumph, great losses and great gains. I have grown and I have regressed. I have taken advantage of blessings from God, and I have wished to go back in time and change things. It's impossible and probably not wise. I can't dwell on the things I could've/should've/would've done or been. I must resolve to do things differently in the future, ask for God's help and carry on.

I've been having all kinds of crazy feelings lately. I've never liked change and big changes are coming fast. My mind, body and heart can't deal with it all. I'm scared of losing friendships I have made fairly recently but that have come to be a major part of my life. Long-distance friendships are not the same. I'm unable to call a friend and tell them I'm on my way from Penndy and will be by to pick them up in less than a minute to go to the cafeteria or to class together. I can't see them everyday and know that they're doing ok or recognize that things are off and something is wrong. The distance renders you helpless when all you need is to give a hug to or receive a hug from someone you love.

I'm scared out of my mind for a myriad of reasons. I'm scared of what I will become if left to my own devices, and I'm scared of what I might have to do if I fully rely on God to lead and guide me. I am strong...I really am. But sometimes it's easier to be scared. I've wished several times in the last few weeks that somehow all of my friends would hate me and it would make it so much easier to leave this place. Not so. I feel more and more loved as the days grow shorter and shorter, and my affection for the amazing people God has brought to me multiplies exponentially. I'm overcome. How do I make every last minute count here? How do I keep from ruining time with a less-than-great attitude or a thought of the impending doom that is quickly approaching? How can I be the woman I wanted to be, being big and loving appropriately? Where do I find the strength and courage to live up to my potential, both now and in the future?